Nine Good Laughs

You're doing yourself a profound disservice if you're not reading America's Finest Horoscope. Despite retired machinist and A.A.P.B.-certified astrologer Lloyd Schumner Sr.'s apparent departure, The Onion manages to churn out consistently hilarious astral predictions. Here are nine recent hits, plus one by me, in no particular order:

1. Your pregnancy will be marked by a number of bizarre cravings, including pickles dipped in ice cream, lemons coated with salt, and a father figure to help raise your son.

2. Statistics say that nearly 78% of rapes are committed by someone the victim knew, but you'll insist next week that the more correct phrasing is "thought they knew."

3. You will put an end to your practice of writing sloppy prescriptions to fit in with your colleagues after you hear from an enraged bodybuilder who took muscle relaxant on competition day.

4. An engrossing read will soon transport you to a strange and faraway land, leaving you stranded in Harlem after 30 missed stops.

5. After days of banging your head against the wall, you'll finally find the answer you've been searching for: Bluurghhzzzzz!

6. Many will attack you for taking the easy way out, but then they won't know how hard it was to find an extension cord long enough to reach the bathtub.

7. There's no denying that your unique scarecrow design scares the hell out of the crows, but it has the disadvantage of filling your yard with infuriated Christians.

8. It's not the size of the ship, but rather the motion of the ocean that will cause your girlfriend to get sick during intercourse.

9. You will soon realize that there's nothing more beautiful than watching the morning sunrise—except for, of course, being able to sleep at night.

10. A march intended to raise awareness of breast cancer will, after a disastrous turn, raise awareness of drunk driving instead.